I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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