Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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