My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
