Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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