when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
