Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
