Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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