Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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