; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
