Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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