My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
