No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
