Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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