How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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