How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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