My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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