Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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