Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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