from now on my penis is your penis
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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