dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
