I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
