Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
