Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
