I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
