Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
