I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
