took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
