well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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