this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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