This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
