She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
