I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
