i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
