I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
