I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
