On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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