When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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