There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All I want is dick and wine.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
