my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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