I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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