we're chasing vodka with high fives
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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