well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
