toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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