I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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