im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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