Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
