Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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