So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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