She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
