mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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