Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
